


Peter is confusion

by aaronburrshotfirst



Series: Insanity [1]
Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Everyone Loves Peter Parker, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, Light Angst, Meme Lord Shuri (Marvel), Memes, Precious Peter Parker, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 20:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15871284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaronburrshotfirst/pseuds/aaronburrshotfirst
Summary: The man looked too comfortable to be here against his will. He was slouched slightly in his chair with his arm loosely hung on the edge of the chair. He sat there as if he owned the place. Although, he is a billionaire and he could probably buy whatever place this was, but then again, getting captured and brought to your own building didn't sound like a very 'Tony Stark' like thing to happen.  Peter also noticed the lack of restraints, chair and bruising which Peter had somehow acquired which was all very strong evidence to support that he was not kidnapped. So Peter was confused as to why there was clearly no rescue mission happening right now.orSpider-man is called into an interrogation room and somehow manages to befriend his interrogators who happen to be the Avengers. Fury is furious while Peter is just confused.





	1. Mr billionaire

Peter woke up with restraints tied around his arms. He looked around and felt panic rise when he realised that he was in some sort of cell. To his relief, he felt his mask brushing against his face. Did he get kidnapped by bad guys? He scoffed at his own stupidity. Of course it was bad guys, other people dont tend to kidnap people. He tried to think back but he couldnt recall fighting any bad guys the day before. He remembered that there wasnt much to do on patrol that day, only those kittens he saved from the tree and the old lady he helped cross the road and he doubted that they conspired against him but then again stranger things have happened in New York.

Just as he was convincing himself that kittens could probably be planning world domination, the door opened.

He tensed as he waited for the bad guy/old lady/kitten to walk into the room but to his surprise, a billionare casually waked into the cell who Peter instantly recognised as Tony Stark. 'THE TONY STARK HAS JUST WALKED INTO MY CELL,' Peter thought as his brain began to explode with thoughts. Suddenly being kidnapped didn't seem like such a bad thing if it meant an Avenger would save him everytime. 'Huh, i should probably get kidnapped more often,' Peter thought excitedly. 'Maybe next time, Captain America will save me. Or Thor!' He forced himself out of his thoughts as he realised that fantasizing about getting kidnapped probably wasn't healthy. 

Peter observed as Tony pulled a chair from seemingly nowhere and sat rignt across from Peter. Is that a thing? Do people just get so rich that they can just make chairs appear in their hand? Or is it a Tony Stark thing? More than likely though, Peter was just too busy being kidnapped to notice the other chair. 'This is a very strange way of rescuing someone' Peter noted as Tony continued to look at him. <\p>

MJ was talking about how people can use morse code by blinking to communicate to other people but Peter doubted that that was what was going on here. Still, Peter couldn't help but think about how proud she would be if she knew that he remembered that. Peter could feel warmth spread through him and a small smile threatened to creep onto his face. 'Stop that, brain,' Peter thought frustratingly. As Tony was examining him, Peter thought it would be only right to examine him back becaue he was a very mature person.

The man looked too comfortable to be here against his will. He was slouched slightly in his chair with his arm loosely hung on the edge of the chair. He sat there as if he owned the place. Although, he was a billionaire so maybe he did own whatever place this was, but then again, getting captured and brought to your own building didn't sound like a very 'Tony Stark' like thing to happen. Peter also noticed the lack of restraints, chair and bruising which Peter had somehow aquired which was all very strong evidence to support that he was not kidnapped. So Peter was puzzled as to why there was clearly no rescue mission happening right now. Slowly he started focusing back to reality and he noticed that Mr Billionaire's mouth was moving. Dang it, Ned would kill him if he found out that THE TONY STARK was talking to him and he wasn't even listening.

He zoned back into the very one sided conversation just as Mr Billionaire finished talking. It seemed to be a question as the man looked up at Peter expectantly.

"Uhh, sorry I missed that. What did you say?" Peter asked hoping that he was being polite. He really wanted to know which bad guy had brought him here as he realised that that had probably already been explained to his stupid ass.

Tony looked to the ceiling as if asking God what he had done to deserve this. He sighed and locked eyes with Peter once more allowing him to see a now very exasperated face. Woah, Ned was definitely going to flip his shit when he heard about this right after he kills Peter for making Tony Stark annoyed.

Peter figured that MJ would be impressed by this because she seemed to enjoy trying to annoy everyone. He remembered that he never sent her a meme last night because he got kidnapped. God, Peter couldn’t wait for when younger baddies decide to roam the streets who actually appreciate his vine references and maybe allow him a phone in kidnapping situations because they could relate. Now that would be amazing.

'Do Avengers watch vines?' Peter wondered just as Tony slumped back into his chair looking like he just finished a very long story. Peter really needed to get better at this whole listening thing.

"Uhh yes?" Peter asked praying to any God out there that what THE TONY STARK had just said had finished with a question. But by the look on Tony's face, it seemed that the gods out there didn't appreciate him being an atheist. 

Using his enhanced hearing, Peter could hear him mutter something about him being impossible as Tony stalked out of the room.  
'Did I just fail at getting rescued?' Peter thought as his 'rescuer' stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him. If there was any doubt before, there wasn't now. Ned was going to kill him for this.


	2. The spider, the witch and the wakandan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gen z people are taking over

The rest of the team were watching the exchange anxiously from the other side of the one sided glass. To all of them but Wanda and Shuri, they thought seemed that Spider-man and Tony were about to fight from the way they were staring at each other. Wanda and Shuri however, were trying and failing to contain their laughs. This confused the team but they just passed it off as millenial jokes that they wouldn't understand. 

In reality, Wanda was listening to the spider-man's thoughts and repeating them quietly to Shuri. They couldn't believe that this 'dangerous man' as Fury called him, was so damn funny. What really shocked them was how much of a fanboy he was. 

As soon as Spider-man thought about vines and memes, Wanda and Shuri exchanged a look. The Scarlet Witch didn't need to use her telepathy to know what the look implied. They needed to see this boy. 

As soon as Tony entered their watch room, all the Avengers let one another know just how much they disliked this man.

"He's just trying to aggravate you. Don't listen to him," Steve said reasuringly.

Wanda and Shuri knew better but they wanted to meet this potential friend before letting the Avengers know anything. They opted to ignore the shouts of protest from the Avengers as they raced into the room containing 'New York's Menace.' 

As soon as they stepped into the room, the excited energy in both of the girls turned into fear. This guy was supposedly out of control and a very powerful man. They slowed their walk toward him grabbing the two other chairs in the room.

Just then, Wanda could hear this man's thoughts but she wasn't doing it on purpose. It seemed almost natural to check out Spider-man's thoughts. Any regret Wanda felt washed away with his voice filling her head.

'So, can everyone here just make a chair appear? Dang it, is this some sort of superhero requirement? Do they practice it in superhero training? Can Deadpool do it too? Or Daredevil? Damn, you've been doing this for how long? God dammit Parker, get your head in the superhero game. Learn how to make a chair appear and then they will rescue you. Right? So do I just move my hand up and down and wait? Oh no, that looked stupid. Good going dude, you just embarrassed yourself in front of the Scarlet Witch and the Princess of Wakanda. What, are you trying to work through all of the Avengers? Oh shit, the Princess is talking.'

Wanda turned to her friend and realised that yes, Shuri had been talking. Now there was silence so Wanda assumed that it was a question. Spider-man seemed to aswel.

"Uhh yes?" he replied hopefully.

Wanda couldn't seem to stop her smile but she was trying her best to cover up her laugh with a cough. Suddenly she was hunched over, laughing with tears in her eyes.

Shuri must have understood as she whispered ever so quietly “what is this man thinking now?”

Spider-man shouldn’t have been able to hear this but somehow he did. “You can hear my thoughts?” He asked Wanda.

Wanda was waiting for the outburst. The look of disgust or at least have him not look at her anymore. The other Avengers always told her how never to read others thoughts. What came next was not what she was expecting at all.

“That’s so cool!” The menace exclaimed. “Can you read more than one person’s thoughts at the same time? How far away can you be from the person? You are so awesome! N- My friend is going to freak out when he hears about this” he stopped his rant abruptly.

“So you guys know who I am I guess?” He asked in defeat. 

Wanda thought back trying to think of what he had thought about. “Parker?” She asked curiously, any fear of this man was gone. 

He huffed out a little laugh. “Yeah, sure.” Suddenly all the amusement was gone out of his voice. “Umm would it be okay if you didn’t look in my head” he glanced up from the floor and hastily added “Not that it’s not really cool because it’s awesome it’s just I’ve got a family that I’d like to protect you know?”

Wanda nodded and turned to Shuri who looked just as confused as she felt. This man really seemed really harmless. Maybe Fury had got it wrong.

There was an awkward pause for a bit before Shuri took the opportunity to test his vine knowledge.

“How did you take down Captain America?” 

The spider answered without any hesitation, “We shot him in de legs cause his shield iz de size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot”

The three broke down into fits of laughter. Shuri points at a wall where the Avengers were watching them from.

“Can we keep him? Please?!”

A very unhappy looking Captain walked into the room and dragged the two girls out while they were still hunched over giggling.

As soon as the door closed, Peter realized that he never asked them who the bad guys were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this new chapter. I’m glad that ye like this so far :) Should be updating soon x


	3. Spiders and Archers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton pay our spider a visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so happy you guys are enjoying this story so far! All the support is crazy! Thanks! 
> 
> Also I call him a man in the story when it’s someone else’s perspective who doesn’t know that he is actually a teenager :)

They knew his name. God having a secret identity was hard when someone could actually read your mind. MJ couldn’t read minds, Peter presumed, but she definitely knew everything about everyone and that was terrifyingly amazing.  
So when Natasha Romanov stepped into the room with the same neutral face and with eyes that glared behind the lenses of his mask into his eyes, he couldn’t help but picture a book in her face like MJ. The Black Widow in high school must have been terrifying. Thinking of all the popular girls in school, he could easily imagine her being there. It was only when he started imagining her in Mean Girls that he actually snorted.

Her surprised expression came and went so quickly that Peter wasn’t sure if it had actually been there in the first place. However it was clear to hear the emotion in the next voice.

“You’re gonna get killed if you keep that up around Romanoff you know?” The man who Peter hadn’t noticed was in the room, asked incredulously. Huh so people and chairs could just appear here.

“Bold if you to assume I want to live,” he answered immediately regretting it as he forgot that who he was talking to was not a millennial. It was then that he realized that the concerned face belonged to Hawkeye. Goddammit.

“Shit, kid,” he dropped his tough guy façade. “Nat? What do we do? Is this why you’re Spider-man? You’re fucking suicidal? Kid, we can get you help. Just know you have people to talk to, you don’t have to fucking fight rapists or gangs. There’s help out there please just talk to someone. They’ll listen. Please kid.”

The archer’s voice cracked at the end of his sentence. Peter was stunned into silence. They say for ten seconds in tense silence. Hawkeye’s pleading eyes showed no mercy in making Peter feel like shit for making a gen z joke. He could hear a murmur of voices coming from somewhere but he was to shocked to listen to them. There were voices in his head? Maybe this was how Wade felt. Except Wade actually listened to them. And talked back.

Natasha being the most composed person in the room quietly whispered to Clint “It’s one of those teenage jokes that Shuri and Wanda say all the time.”

“How do you know?” He hissed back.

She tapped at her ear which would look weird if anyone but her did it. When she did it she looked like it explained everything. Unfortunately it did not.

Hawkeye looked at her until she finally rolled her eyes and explained. “I made Wanda set up a comm with me in case Spidey makes more of their jokes that we wouldn’t get.”

“Can you stop being so smart for one damn second?” She shot him a glare. Hawkeye just chuckled. “You’re still my favourite Avenger” he announced as his apology. She smirked. Apology accepted, Peter presumed.

Peter started listening to the voices in his head. They were clearly not happy with Hawkeye’s declaration.

“He said that I was his favourite Avenger!”

“Shuri, you’re not even an Avenger.” 

Huh so they weren’t coming from inside Peter’s head. They were inside the Black Widow’s ear. That sounded way creepier when you think it out loud.

“Oh oh I see how it is, witch bitch.”

“Okay princess, and you’re sure that you’re not just bitter because he called me his favourite yesterday.”

“Not even a little.”

“Okay” Wanda’s voice sounded very mocking.

“Fuck you” Shuri shouted in defeat. Then both the voices gasped. Peter wasn’t sure why until he heard himself chuckling.

“You can hear the comm?” One of the girls asked excitedly. 

“Yeah, you guys are hilarious.”

“This is so cool!” The voice that sounded like Shuri screamed causing Natasha to wince at the volume. Shuri continued rambling about all the pranks she could pull and tech she could make for him while Clint turned to Natasha.

“No Nat, I get that he has bullshit teenage humor but I actually think that he might be insane as well. I mean you never hear Wanda or Shuri actually talk to themselves. I think he actually has voices in his head” Hawkeye said more to himself than to Natasha.

Peter was listening to both Hawkeye and Shuri at the same time. He wanted to frown at Clint but smile at Shuri and he found himself in an awkward mix between the two making him very glad that he was wearing a mask.

“I get that you have to wear boots to go with the whole outfit but seriously, what are those?!”

“Shut up” he whined while stifling a laugh which did not work in stopping Shuri from insulting him. It did however cause Clint to turn to him looking insulted. Peter put up one finger as if to say ‘1 second’ like he was on the phone which only increased the volume of laughter coming through the comm.

————————————————————————-

Natasha hastily saved her ears by turning it off before looking at the giggling spandex hero in front of her.

The mood in the room dropped instantly. They were examining each other carefully. The spider seemed to be strangely okay with being held compared to all the others they’ve interrogated, Not that Natasha was complaining. Still, it was odd.

The man was clearly getting restless. He was tapping his foot on the ground which to most people, it would seem like nerves but the rhythmic tapping of his fingers and his feet together proved that he had a short attention span. Natasha already knew this when she witnessed Stark’s attempt at an interrogation which she and Clint had found amusing. Not that they’d tell the rest of the team though.

She wondered what age the man was but after hearing all of his interactions with Wanda and Shuri, she was certain that he couldn’t be older than mid twenties.

She was about to start the interrogation, when she heard another voice butt in.

“Ms Black Widow, Mr Hawkeye, I need to ask you guys a few questions.”

Natasha suppressed a smirk, taking a liking to the guy for his boldness while Clint just looked flabbergasted.

“Kid, that’s not how this works.”

“Yeah no sure sir, it’s just that I don’t know what ‘this’ is exactly so I’m not sure of what the rules are here.”

“You’re in the Avengers tower” Clint answered rolling his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which, quite frankly, it was. The Spider gasped, which confused Natasha. Still, her poker face stayed on her face.

“So you’re the bad guys?” He asked incredulously.

“What?” Clint asked just as bewildered. But the man clearly wasn’t paying attention anymore. It was strange, to say the least, to see Clint attempting at talking to him but getting no reaction.

“You guys are like THE AVENGERS like the kind who are on that poster on my wall or the kind that my friend won’t shut up about. You’re the ones who save aliens from invading Earth. Oh my god, Captain America lectures me about detention and drugs but he kidnaps me for no reason? No that-“

He was cut off by Clint. “Hold on, you’ve met Steve before? And he lectured you on what now?”

He never received an answer however, which Natasha suspected would happen. The vigilante was stuck in his own head.

“And why am I here? Why are you guys here? Have you been possessed? Oh my god, are you guys possessed? Oh no are all of the Avengers possessed? Possessed by what? Oh HYDRA can control minds right? But you guys haven’t tried to kill me yet. Huh. You even told me not to die. Am I a new HYDRA recruit? I would rather not thanks. I know someone who would kill me if-“

He cut himself off from his conspiracy theory abruptly. Clearly something came to his mind. 

“How long have I been here?” He demanded but his voice was too high pitched in his demand to have any affect on the two agents. This however, seemed scarily out of character for the spandex suited man who was laughing just minutes ago. Something was off. From what Natasha could gather, it was someone not something that was worrying him.

“See this is not how an interrogation works, you do know that right?” Clint asked seemingly slightly amused by the man’s antics. “We ask the questions.”

“Interrogation?” He asked, before shaking his head as if him being brought here against his will, restrained in Stark Tower wasn’t as important as whatever was bugging him. What it could possibly be, Natasha couldn’t begin to guess, but she knew that it was important.

“How long have I been here?” He asked again in despair, his voice hoarse.

Clint looked over at Natasha concern written all over his face. “How much did we drug him?!” He whisper shouted at her.

“You what?! Oh Captain Rodgers, you hypocritical-“

“A week” Natasha announced tired of both of them. “You’ve been here for a week.”

“Oh shit, May!” Peter exclaims, too busy panicking to notice that he wasn’t breathing.

He felt burning in his lungs as he slipped out of his chair. Suddenly, he slumped against the wall on the floor.

Neither spies are good at comforting. Let alone comforting a enhanced, possibly drugged spandex wearing vigilante.

Clint was the first to react. He got out of his seat and got on his honkers in front of the man.

Natasha remained where she was. This could easily be a stunt to try to escape. She was shocked by Clint’s unprofessional actions but he must’ve been thinking about his kids at home. Not that this guy was there age. Or was he?

“Hey hey, kiddo. It’s not May, it’s September.” He comforts the hysterical vigilante.

“I need your phone” he announced, his voice wavering. He was either trying really hard to keep his voice even and failing or a really good actor. Natasha couldn’t tell which so far.

—————————————————————————

“Why, so you can plan your escape?” She asked 

“No, so I make sure that someone doesn’t call every single police station, every person I know, presume I’m dead and then kill me.” He said knowing how little sense it makes. 

The wrath of May Parker was terrifying. He’d face the entire Avenger team instead of her in a fight. And if there’s one thing for sure, if he died here, she’d kill him.

Clint looked like he was about to allow him the phone so Natasha firmly shook her head. “I don’t care about any evil villain trying to kill you, you’re in the tower, nothing can get you.”

“You underestimate this person.” He muttered thinking about how May would track down every single person he’s ever talked to to find him. 

He thought about what would happen if MJ and Ned teamed up with his Aunt. That was a terrifying thought.

With the pure fury of a protective aunt, a terrifying unofficial detective and a nerd with hacking skills, they could take over the world. In that moment, he was so glad that they weren’t super villains, as far as he knew. He could never tell with MJ.

He needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

“What do you guys need to know?”

 

 

 

“Who are you?” The red head asked bluntly after Peter had composed himself once more. He sat on his chair and promised himself to be obedient so that he could return to his aunt.

“Couldn’t you guys just take off the mask and know?” Peter asked, clearly suspicious.

“Cap said something about how if you trust us then we’ll get more answers.” The archer answered clearly annoyed by said teammate.

“No better way to get my trust than by kidnapping me and restraining me” he said jokingly and Clint snorted while Natasha smirked.

“You seem kind of cool with this whole thing. I mean not a few minutes ago but that was about some super villain after you or something. Why are you so chill about this?”

Peter shrugged lazily and looked to Natasha for another question.

She repeated her original question. “Don’t you guys already know it? Couldn’t Tony Stark just hack everywhere to find me?” He asked deflecting her question.

“He did but there were no results for any guy named Parker around here that matched with your details.” She replied coldly. She didn’t like being lied to.

Peter failed miserably at stifling a giggle. “He can be kind of stupid sometimes, can’t he?” He hurriedly added, “Sorry I mean he’s a genius and everything don’t get me wrong but-“

“But he can be an absolute idiot” Clint finished grinning wildly. Natasha briefly smiled at the image of Stark and his ego slowly deflating on the other side of the wall.

“So you’re name is Parker then?”

“Yes ma’am” he answered grinning just as wide as Clint was.

On queue, Tony Stark flung the door open and pointed at the figure in the chair accusingly. “This man is a liar” he announced, still pointing at Peter.

Oh my god, the Tony Stark was pointing at him. Peter was sure that Ned would sell any of his limbs to be in Peter’s position right now. That finger being pointed at him must cost so much. Nope, that’s really creepy thinking dude. Stop. That’s restraining order territory.

“I don’t lie” he lied. Everyone lies. Not everyone lies everyday to their only family member about what they’re doing every night or where the bruises came from.

“Yes you do and you continue to” he accused, the million dollar finger? Billion dollar finger? Stop putting prices on this poor man’s fingers, god. Still pointing his priceless finger at him. That’s better, no more selling fingers.

“I’m not lying. Ask Wanda!” He wondered why they didn’t just use Wanda to read his thoughts. He decided not to think about it for too long and just be glad that they didn’t.

Wanda and Shuri burst into the room grinning like idiots. One Captain America trailed in after the with his head down in defeat.

“I tried to stop them but they were too strong.” He explained. Natasha let out a laugh. “You have super strength, Steve. Use it.” Her laughter was joined by Clint’s when the Captain wore an exasperated expression on his face.

“Hey Spidey” Wanda said warmly as Shuri gave him a small nod.

“Perfect!” Tony declared moving his very expensive finger to point at Wanda. “Expose him for his lies!” 

She scoffed at his dramatics. “His name is Parker,” she confirmed and smiled when she saw the man’s smug smile drop instantly.

“She lies too!” He exclaimed.

It was the Captain who hushed everybody after their laughter at the now very grumpy Stark.

“Let me alone with him and I’ll figure it out.”

Stark shrugged pretending the entire event didn’t phase him and left pouting. Actually pouting. Ned probably wouldn’t believe half of the stuff he was going to tell him when he got out of here.


	4. Captain America PSAs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap gets lectured? Kinda. Not really. Just read.

So you’ve got detention” Peter mumbled in awe of the in front of him. The man sat exactly like how he did in the PSAs, and Peter couldn’t help himself from quoting the living legend.

“Christ, how old are you?” The soldier asked, concerned.

He was concerned for Peter Parker. Peter Parker the Star Wars loving dumpster diver. What is life?

He realized that talking about the PSAs kind of gave away the whole ‘I’m actually a nerdy teenager who does normal teenagery teenage things with other teenagers’ thing.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah umm when I was in school I watched your-“ he put extreme emphasis on was. Nice work Parker. His lie was actually going well until he was interrupted by the living legend.

He was shushed. Captain America shushed him. He wasn’t really sure what he did to deserve this life but he was living for it. This was the best day ever. Of course, he was forgetting the whole ‘being kidnapped’ thing. Pfft details.

The Captain leaned in close. Peter didn’t flinch because 1, his spider sense didn’t say anything, and 2, because even if this incredible human drugged him and kidnapped him, he was still an icon. And Peter refused to believe that Mr America would hurt him.

“Please don’t mention the PSAs” He whispered, practically begging. Who is this man and where did Steve Rodgers go?

Peter sat back in his chair and thought about all the answers he could give to this very easy question.

The right thing to here would be to say yes. The right thing to do here was also to try and contact his aunt.

Peter crossed his arms over his chest and tried his best one of MJ’s ‘I’m chill but also examining every movement you make’ pose and said something that he had no doubt he’d regret in the future.

“Only if you do something for me” he whispered back hoping that his tough guy look was convincing.

That’s how he ended up holding the Captain America’s phone in his hand as realized that he forgot his Aunt’s number. 

After getting shot, stabbed and just beaten up again and again, Ned made him promise that he’d call him if he needed help. Peter sighed. How he was supposed to keep a secret identity with Ned on the phone, he had no idea.

As part of the deal, he had to put the phone on speaker. He let the Captain know that he’d regret that decision.

As soon as the phone was answered, Peter frantically said “Guy in the chair, 1,4,5”

“Parker” Ned Leeds practically growled. “Oh shit, 5? Who? Spider-man definitely not Parker. I don’t even know anyone who’s name is Parker. Parker? What a weird name. I don’t even think that the name even exists let alo-“

“They already know my name is Parker.”

He heard Ned let out a sigh of relief through the speakers.

Sometimes Peter wondered how Ned hadn’t broadcasted his secret identity to the world yet.

After MJ told them that the government could listen to all of their calls, Ned and Peter made a series of code words to keep his identity a secret over the phone. It had nothing to do with it sounding really cool. Nope.

1= In trouble.  
2= If May calls I’m at your house.  
3= Can’t come over because of Spider-man duties.  
4= Don’t say my name  
5= Bad Guy is listening  
6= In a car chase  
7= Aliens are probing me  
8= I am in Asgard  
9= Zombie Apocalypse 

The last few were never used. Peter and Ned still put them in. Let them dream.

“You won’t believe me” he said excitedly.

“You’re not going to leave me in suspense. I refuse to believe that you’d do that.”

Now, Peter didn’t want to let his inner fanboy come out in front of Steve Rodgers. He really didn’t. But this was beyond his control.

“Captain America!” He whispered in awe, almost not believing himself.

“If you ever end up in a parallel universe where I actually believe you, tell me that I’m an idiot.”

“Dude? He’s like right here and I think he might be giving you the face.”

“No he’s not. That’s not fair! You can’t do that over the phone! W-wait y-you’re Captain America! You can do whatever the fu- the frick you want. Huh, I can’t curse around you, sir, forgot. Please don’t give me the face. I can feel it through the phone.”

The face as he and Ned dubbed it, was the Captain America Disappointed face. Peter had gotten it numerous times without ever meeting the man. Technology was scary like that.

Not that he was proud of it, but he and Ned had a score sheet for how many times they’d gotten the face. Peter had gotten the most by far in detention because of all of his excursions as Spider-man but sometimes the Guy In The Chair had to get in trouble too. 

Peter let out a laugh of victory. “He is definitely giving you the face right now.” He proceeds to announce the scores over the shouts of protest from his friend about how if he can’t see it, it isn’t real.

“Spider-man 23, Guy In The Chair 5” he practically sang in happiness before remembering who he was in front of. He cleared his throat. “Guy In The Chair, I want you to tell that I’m alive-“

“I thought as much” the unimpressed boy said.

“And I want you to tell someone else that I’m alive too” He continued hoping Ned would understand.

“Yeah of course! But what do I tell them? You know that I can’t lie.”

“Just say that I’m at your place.”

“For a week?!” He shrieks in disbelief. “There’s no way in hell that that’s gonna work.”

All of the ideas Peter came up with were quickly rejected.

“I joined the circus?” “No.” “I joined a gang?” “Nope.” “I am dead.” “NO!”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say” Peter whined as he placed his head on the table and banged it. Twice.

“Just come over to my place and we can figure it out from there.” Ned soothed unaware that he wasn’t allowed to leave.

“I-I can’t leave, N- Guy In The Chair,” his head was so muddled up with thoughts, he almost gave his friend’s name away. Almost.

This confused Ned a lot. Why is everyone so confused all the time? Why can’t everyone just know everything. Oh wait, secret identity and that. Scratch that, keep being confused, world.

“Captain America is in the room with you. He’s rescuing you, don’t worry about it.”

Peter shook his head and looked to said man. He looked guilty. Like really guilty. He was squirming in his seat uncomfortably and he had a permanent frown stuck on his face. Peter didn’t want to make him feel more guilty. Sometimes we can’t get what we want.

“Captain America is the bad guy” he hissed through the phone but there was no doubt that the Captain heard him. “So are the other Avengers.”

He could hear Ned’s disbelief through the phone before he started talking.

“Dude, they are like known globally for being the opposite.”

“Yeah, well tell that to the restraints on my hands and the interrogation room” Peter scoffed.

“Interrogation? They’re interrogating you? Two can play that game. Hey Mr Captain America sir? Welcome to your interrogation.”

Peter groaned and passed the phone over to the Captain. He banged his head against the table a few more times before sitting back and listening to his friend mess with the actual icon.

This would be the time where the Captain regrets letting him have the phone on speaker.

To say that Peter was shocked was an understatement. Ned wasn’t showing the slightest bit of nervousness during his ‘interrogation’ as Peter thought he would have. He either forgot who this man was or the adrenaline was kicking in. Either way, this was going to be one funny story to torment him with for the rest of his life.

“So Mr Captain America sir-“ Peter was glad that Ned still remembered to be polite during his rant. “-would you call yourself a good man?”

The soldier was clearly startled by the question, but quickly switched back to the controlled manner he came in with. “I believe that I fight for what is right, which is a good quality to have.”

“Huh” Ned pretended to be pondering that sentence. “So you and Spider-man are the same?”

If possible, Steve looked even more uncomfortable than before.“Yes I believe that he is a good man.”

Peter stared at him incredulously. Was he being interrogated for being too good? Did they think he was going to replace him? No that didn’t sound right. Peter suspected that he was stronger than Captain America but he wasn’t able to give or take commands. He was more of a wing it and stay alive kind of guy.

“So if Spider-man somehow I don’t know, let me freak the fu- frick, actually, you Captain America sir, get a fuck. Now as I was saying, if he let me freak the FUCK out for an entire week of school and I find out that someone-“ 

Peter decided that he loved the man across from him when the man decided to interrupt Ned’s angry speech. As good as the blackmail was, he was getting into making Peter feel very guilty.

Until the man decided he was Shane Dawson and started up his own conspiracy.

“You’re still in high school. And you’re a friend of Spider-man?”

Too bad that Ned wasn’t as good at making angry speeches as he was at lying.

“No. He’s my dad!” The voice blurred out.

Peter couldn’t help himself from bursting out laughing. It’s not like it mattered though, the Captain’s disbelieving face proved that Peter hadn’t given away the lie.

“I’m not Darth Vader, little bro” Peter commented once he composed himself. “But hey, nice try.” He hoped that his lie sounded casual.

“Thanks.” He said dripping in sarcasm.

“You’re brothers” the Captain stated instead of questioned.

“Yep” The voice said popping the ‘p’. Peter could hear his annoyance at being demoted from being his friend to his little brother. Still, it was better than being his son.

“Well it’s been great talking to you, bro. Remember those Spanish notes you kept doing wrong? Remember to show them to me to make sure that you did them right once I get out of here.”

Peter hoped that Ned could see the hidden message. ‘Can I have your Spanish notes?’

Clearly he did. “Sure, big bro.”

Peter could almost hear the pain in Ned’s voice after saying that. Yeah, Peter would never let him live this down.

“Oh and one more thing. He gave you the face again.”

The voice gasped. “No, no he didn’t.”

“23 - 6” Peter announced before hanging up the phone. He sighed out in relief. He was incredibly glad that Ned always used his surname when he was mad. He didn’t need the Avengers knowing that he was only 15.

Steve shook his head and sighed but a small smile was visable on his face. “Shall we continue?”

—————————————————————————

 

If it were possible, the team were even more lost as to who this guy was. He was so damn mysterious.

One thing they did enjoy however, was Tony’s ego delfating ever so slightly every hour.

Looking at the scene before them, they couldn’t help but smile. However funny it may be, Steve wasn’t getting anywhere. They decided to let the two people in the room who had yet to meet the man go into the room.

Shuri made popcorn and they settled down on their beanbags. This was going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad you guys have liked this so far! Thanks for the support! All of your comments left me smiling like an idiot all day and that’s saying something because some of my teachers are absolute soul crushers. Anyways.. thanks!!


	5. A god and a doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes meeting your idols can be overwhelming...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around for the fifth chapter! Idk how you did it so far but brace yourself because a new chapter is here.

Peter was kicking himself once Captain Rodgers decided that the interrogation wasn’t working. Not because of that, but because he never came up with an excuse for Ned to tell May and he was scared for whatever Ned was going to come up with.

He needed someone who knew what they were doing here. Didn’t he need a lawyer present? Was it illegal for a minor to be kept this long? Surely it must be illegal to drug someone without here consent. Right? But then again they were Avengers so he guessed it didn’t count. Or did it?

Peter groaned. He wished that he listened more when Daredevil talked about the law. Or when Tony freaking Stark tells you why you have been kidnapped. ‘Ugh come on brain, my ears are trying their best. Cooperate.’ Peter scolded himself right as the door squeaked open.

Whoever this was who stepped inside, Peter was going to get answers. No matter who.

It was a good plan, in theory. Key words being in theory because nothing could have prepared him for the two people who stepped into the room. Holy mother of hell. 

Everything else had been very unbelievable, but now he knew for sure that this was his drugged up self dreaming. He found that he didn’t want to wake up so it made no sense as to why he slapping his face. He mentally shrugged, he was going to cut himself some slack for not thinking straight.

Because the people in front of him were his heroes. Not just heroes. His heroes. Not that he owned them or anything because that’s really creepy. He does own their action figures though so technically, he kind of owns a version of them?

Dang it, he made his action figures creepy now. He really didn’t want to throw them out but he was left with no choice. ‘Why you gotta be weird, past me?’

He thought back to when Ben brought them home. He started working extra shifts leading up to Peter’s birthday much to Peter’s dismay.

Still Peter couldn’t help but mirror the smile back at the man as he gave him his present. He kept the figures in his room. God, he missed Ben. Never mind, the figures can stay. But that was a final warning, brain.

He finally looked up at his idols and let out a breath of relief in seeing that neither of them were talking. He would never forgive himself for ever missing a word the wonders of the world graced him with.

Icon number 1 coughed awkwardly and didn’t look Peter in the eye. “Are you listening?” He asked meekly.

Peter nodded enthusiastically. 

The man sighed in relief and met Peter’s eyes.. or lenses.

“Ok cool, I didn’t want a repeat of Tony Stark.” Dr Banner explained. Peter felt slightly guilty about that. Slightly. He still chuckled with Thor.

He thought about that sentence in shock. He just laughed with a god. He decided that whatever rescue mission, he had no doubt Ned and Mj were planning, could wait.

Once Thor opened his mouth to say something, Peter realized that Thor doesn’t just ‘say’ things. He bellowed them. Usually, Peter got annoyed when people shouted things but he couldn’t bring himself to find any flaws with this amazing man. His sensitive ears however, sure did have a lot to say. One of those things being “owww.”

“Young Spider, you have proven to be a valiant warrior. We have been sent here to question you, it seems however that you are just as good at avoiding questions, as fighting battles.”

Peter felt dizzy. A god complimented him. A god gave him a nickname. Was it really a nickname? Or was is just Asgardian slang? If it was a nickname, it wasn’t a very creative one, but Peter wasn’t feeling particularly picky of which name he was given by THE GOD OF THUNDER.

There was a silence in which Peter realized that maybe he should have been saying something. Thankfully the owner of 7 PhDs decided to fill the silence.

“So uhh you know us” the doctor stated awkwardly shuffling in his seat. He was clearly unsure of what to do with his hands so he awkwardly adjusted them every few seconds. Peter sympathized with the man. He would be doing the same if it weren’t for the handcuffs. ‘Thank god for them!‘ he thought before realizing that they probably aren’t good.

“Oh my god, I’m a huge fan of both of you!” He squeaked purposefully ignoring his brain. “Dr Banner, I can’t believe you kidnapped me!” The man scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah about that” he coughed and continued. “This really wasn’t our idea-“ No, no doctor!” Peter comforted. “This is the best day of my life!”

Dr Banner looked incredibly concerned. It was impressive to see how someone could express so much concern in one look. Thor on the other hand just looked confused. ‘Nope, we’re not going to use that word anymore’ Peter decided. ‘How about.... bewildered? Puzzled?’

Peter decided to try to save this doctor from bursting with concern. “It’s just that, this is a dream come true!” He explained. Yeah well, he tried.

The doctor somehow frowned even more before it seemed he realized something. “You’re being sarcastic.” He concluded. 

“N-no Dr Banner sir, I-I don’t even know what sarcasm is!” He lied. 

It was then that he realized that he would never allow himself to lie to his idol. “Ok well no, I know what it is, but I don’t use it.” He thought back at basically all of his conversations with MJ and he figured that lying was necessary here. “Pshhhh sarcasm. What am I, a teenager?” He scoffed summoning his inner grumpy millennial hating neighbor.

Now Dr Banner and Thor were confused. ‘No, puzzled,’ Peter scolded himself. Peter felt pressured into explaining himself. He coughed. Ehh, he’d let out enough fanboy already. “I uh get to hang out with THE AVENGERS. Like they’re really cool and all,” Peter leaned in and whispered, “but you guys are like, wow.”

He let out a breath and sat back in his chair feeling relieved after letting his ....fanboyness? Fanboyness out of him.

The loud voice of the god sounded through the room. “You seem to know us quite well. Which one of us is the strongest Avenger?”

———————————————————

 

Bruce sighed as he looked at the spandex wearing man across from him trying desperately to convince Thor that he didn’t have a favourite Avenger. He could see why he idolized Thor. He was a god, a powerful man with a hammer, a protector of the planet. But the hulk was a killing machine. He was a ruthless monster and Bruce couldn’t help but feel at fault for all of the lives he had taken. So no, the hulk was not a hero. Bruce had stopped trying to convince himself otherwise a long time ago.

Bruce had felt uneasy about the whole mission Fury had given them. At first, it was because he hadn’t seen the man do anything that wasn’t heroic. And now, he felt that the man was a lot younger than the Avengers thought.

It wasn’t just from his jokes with Wanda and Shuri, it was the way his leg bounced restlessly and the way his voice broke from time to time. If he was as old as Bruce estimated, then he knew that the team would not take the news well.

Not that Natasha didn’t have her own theories by now. Yeah, Natasha knew everything. That was just her thing.

Bruce listened halfheartedly as the man.. boy? gushed about Thor’s hammer for a few more minutes until he heard his name pop up in the madness.

“And Dr Banner you’re papers on Gamma radiation are amazing! I lost count how many times I’ve read them-“

Bruce was in shock. The man must be a lot older than Bruce believed. No child could understand those papers. He suddenly felt stupid for thinking that a boy could be the vigilante who runs into burning buildings. Of course he still estimated that the man was still young. Too young for Bruce’s liking. Maybe a very smart college student? Well, at least he could take care of himself, Bruce supposed. Having super strength probably helped with that too.

He found himself lost in talking about theories almost as excitedly as Spider-man. It was only until Thor coughed awkwardly that he remembered that this was an interrogation. This guy really was good at not answering questions.

—————————————————————————

 

Peter really didn’t know what he had don’t to deserve this. He was talking to THE DR BANNER about HIS OWN THEORIES.

He figured that this had to be one of those calm before the storm moments or those times in movies where the protagonist says ‘this is too good to be true’ and then all hell breaks loose. But he’s been thinking about that one line over and over and nothings happened. Ah dang it now he’s jinxed. Touch wood? Nope, no wood in interrogation rooms. Of course not. He braced himself for the worst.

Then Bruce stopped taking. ‘No! This sucks! I’m sorry Karma or fate or whatever you are! Please let me keep sciencing with him!’ Peter pleaded in his head but to no avail. 

Peter was more than annoyed at himself than whoever was up there in the universe making decisions. He just had to go and jinx himself. Now of all times.

It was only when Peter saw Thor stretch his arm out as a hammer barreled through the one sided glass wall where the Avengers were, and land right into Thor’s hand, that he figured that the universe actually wasn’t out to get him.

Peter took a second to think of why the god needed his hammer but all that came to mind was that maybe the god was jealous of all the attention Bruce was getting. But no, that didn’t sound right. Why would the Norse God of Thunder care about him? Nah he was probably too worried about Asguardian politics and evil brothers.

He took his chance to peer into the hole in the glass that the hammer had left. The first thing he saw was a very exasperated Tony Stark.

“Thor, if this is some intimidation tactic, I should let you know that you haven’t even bothered asking Spidey a question.” Tony sighed.

That was true. The Avengers should really stick to their day jobs. Except Natasha. If there was an Olympic sport for getting answers, than Natasha would be banned from the Olympics for being too good. Not that that would stop her. Peter wondered why Natasha hadn’t tried getting more answers out of him. He left that thought alone as he saw Thor’s hand holding a hammer stretched out towards him.

“This is no tactic, Stark. The Man of Spiders liked my hammer. I intend to show it to him.” Thor explained as Peter’s eyes widened considerably beneath the lenses. Starks face was no longer visible from the hole in the glass. Instead there was a Russian spy.

“You’re just going to let him have a weapon?” She asked raising a brow. Even though he couldn’t see it, Peter could definitely imagine her having her hands on her hips.

“It’s not as if he can use it” Thor scoffed. Natasha shrugged and left the hammer sized hole only to be replaced by two familiar faces. Wanda and Shuri waved enthusiastically. Peter couldn’t help but try to wave back. He lifted his cuffed hands and managed to shake them. It didn’t work, but seeing the two girls giggling made him count it as a win.

They were dragged away, like earlier, by Captain America. Peter shook the disappointment away as he looked at the hammer in the gods hand in front of him. Thor placed the hammer on the table and with a mysterious look in his eyes he asked “Aren’t you going to try to hold it?”

Peter had seen that smirk before on Ned’s face too many times. This was a trick. A booby trap. A fatal prank.

Peter mentally shrugged ‘Eh worse ways to die’ he supposed as he reached his cuffed hands forward and lifted the surprisingly light hammer off of the table. He prepared himself for poison, arrows flying from the walls, a massive boulder that he’d have to run away from Indiana Jones style. What he wasn’t prepared for, however, was a gasp.

Especially not a gasp coming from an actual god.

Bruce Banner looked pale. “Who are you?” He whispered almost as if he was in awe. ‘Ha, as if Parker.’

This was the first proper question he got in their interrogation.

“Spider-man” he announced happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is amazing. Thank you commenters. You’re all awesome. One comment pointed out how little sense it makes that he’s here for a week but ya know, the author is more confused about what’s going in it than Peter. So thanks for sticking around for this nonsense! More to come soon! Also I kind of took a while to write this because I was just constantly second guessing myself. I was scared it wasn’t funny enough or not as good as the first few. You guys are amazing. Thank you! ( I hope this one’s ok)


	6. It is Wednesday my dudes. AHHHHHHH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what you're getting by now. Absolute nonsense. Buckle up.
> 
> Also title has absolutely nothing to do with plot. I’m tired leave me alone.

They stood in shock before the vigilante tossing Thor’s hammer nervously between his hands. The vigilante carefully put the hammer down as if it were a bomb.

He chuckled nervously before cutting himself off as the tense silence continued.

“Sooo you didn’t want me to lift it?” He asked nervously.

Thor grinned from ear to ear and reached for the man’s handcuffs. Captain America was the one to drag him away from his solo rescue mission. The rest of the team joined them in clearing out of the room in shock.

“Did I do something wrong?” Peter called out to the departing Avengers. Natasha, being the last one to leave answered promptly, “No, you’re just a rightful ruler of Asgard.” She shrugged as if that information wasn’t important and proceeded to the door, smiling.

Peter couldn’t process that so he pretended he didn’t hear it. Yeah that was never going to work. A ruler of Asgard? No, definitely a prank.

“You’re kidding” he stated.

“Sure” she said simply and left the room

 

 

—————————————————————————-

 

Tony sighed in his lab when he heard FRIDAY’s voice boom through the lab.

“Sir, Mr Rogers is requesting your presence in the watch room.”

‘Great’ Tony thought as he left. He was one of many on the team who just thought that they could take the man’s mask of but of course Captain Spangles just had to object. Clearly that was going well.

He had been mulling over the information that he already had all night. The only things he knew were  
1\. He had a younger brother  
2\. He knows young people jokes (probably from his brother)  
3\. He’s a science nerd  
4\. He’s worthy

Thor had insisted that “the Man of Spiders be released” when he found out that the man was worthy. Of course, the team decided that that was the worst plan any of them had come up with. Which was hard because they were all awful.

The only plan Tony had on his mind was to take that god awful mask off of the man’s face. And that’s what he intended to do.

So when he and the team entered the room he stood closest to the arachnid just in case they came to their senses and went with his plan.

“Hey Nat” was the first thing that the very chatty vigilante said. Tony didn’t need to take off the mask to know that the man was beaming underneath it. The Russian spy nodded in his direction and replied “маленький паук”

“Hold on.” He put his hand up and looked at the two of them incredulously. “Since when are you ‘Nat’ And since when are you some Russian nickname?”

”Yeah, it took me months before I could call you Nat” the archer added. 

Natasha definitely doesn’t allow just anyone to give her nicknames. “We talked last night. Neither of us could sleep” she shrugged as she plopped down in her seat as if this interaction was nothing. Tony thought otherwise.

Before he could protest, the man spoke. “And we had hot chocolate!” Tony scoffed. As if that was important. 

Natasha shot the man a look “and we had some food which you-“ she shot another look, this time at Tony, a look that still sent shivers down his spine no matter how many times he had gotten it, “-didn’t give him.”

Tony scratched the back of his neck subconsciously. Yeah that had been a mistake on his part. He forgot that the tube was no longer in the man’s arm.

Still he wanted to get to the bottom of this nickname thing. “So you two are just buddies now?”

“You jealous, Stark?” The spy smirked.

Tony grumbled as he stood behind the vigilante. They weren’t getting anywhere and Fury was checking on how the interrogation was going soon. He reached forward to try to grab the man’s mask off before his arm was snatched away. 

How had he seen the hand coming from behind him? Did he have eyes at the back of his head? Is that a spider thing? Ugh, creepy.

“Woah, woah!” The voice squeaked as its owner turned to face Tony. “What about the whole trust thing?”

“That’s not working out” Tony replied nonchalantly.

The man nodded in agreement. “Still, you could’ve just asked me to take my mask off.”

“Would you have?”

“No.”

Tony gave him a knowing look and the man shrugged. “Still would’ve been nice.”

“If I take my mask off, I can leave?” The man asked boldly.

“Sure thing, buddy” he lied. There would be a hell of a lot to do after that.

“Ok but I have a few questions.”

 

———————————————————

 

So, Peter knew he had two options; 1) Tell then his identity and leave? Or get arrested? Or 2) Don’t take the mask off and rot in the room in his dirty suit.

Funnily enough, option 2 sounded like more fun.

But the amount of classes he was missing was a scary thought. And what on Earth did Ned tell May? He shivered at the thought of whatever Ned could call an excuse.

“So why am I here?” Peter asked first.

The Avengers looked at each other before Shuri answered for them.

“We were given orders by Fury to find out who you are and what you’re intentions are.”

“No,” Wanda continued. “We were given orders, you just wanted to see who he was.” She sounded more amused than annoyed.

“I have to know who’s behind the mask. I’ve seen all of his fail compilations!” Shuri insisted. “And he’s cool so it’s fine.”

Peter pondered their words. Fury was the big guy from SHIELD. Yeah, Peter knew a thing or two about SHIELD. Mostly because of how much he tried to avoid them. After the whole Hydra is Shield thing happened, Peter wanted to steer clear. Also they’re big on no secret identities and that. 

Yeah he could see why they’d want to ask him a few questions. In all honesty, Peter wanted to ask himself a few questions too. 

Peter sighed. He really couldn’t delay the inevitable too much longer.

His hands reached towards his mask and the Avengers watched in anticipation before a loud thud resounded and a door slammed open revealing a very scary looking teenage girl.

 

“Seriously, you couldn’t tell me you’re identity for a year but these guys talk to you for what? A week? And you’re stripping off your mask?”

“MJ? How’d you know I was here”

Ned guiltily walked in behind her -ahh yes, that would explain it- with his head down before noticing his company and his head snapped up. So much for guilt.

“How’d you get here?” Peter asked trying and failing to not smile at Ned’s awe-struck face.

MJ gave him a look. “Right” he said realizing how stupid he was in that moment. Because she’s MJ and he’s Ned. Of course they can get into a high security facility. With the help of Ned’s hacking and her terrifying way of talking her way into and out of things they could do anything.

“No, no” Tony interrupted. “What ‘right’? How did two teenagers get passed my very expensive high tech security?” 

MJ looked to Peter to explain. Ugh.

“MJ, Ned meet Tony Stark. Tony Stark, MJ and Ned.”

“How does that answer my question?” Tony asked looking slightly annoyed but more confused.

Peter sighed. “If you knew them, you’d know.”

Steve Rogers stretched out his hand to MJ. “MJ, is it?”

“Michelle Jones” she replied curtly. Yeah, he wasn’t on MJ level yet.

He turned to Ned. “Ned? Good to meet you in person.”

“Oh my god Captain America sir!”

MJ and Peter shared eye contact as Ned nerdgasmed all over the Captain. Yeah the Captain wasn’t getting out of this easily.

“Wait how do you know two teenagers?” Hawkeye asked clearly suspicious. How had they not figured this out by now?

Still he kept the lie up. Not very well. “She’s my sister” Yeah, he probably should have thought about it before pulling the old sibling card again.

“And Ned is your brother” Clint stated.

“Uh huh” was the intelligent reply.

“You and Ned don’t look alike” Tony stated the obvious.

MJ had the audacity to look offended. God, someone give her an Oscar. Peter tried and failed to suppress a smile. He just about managed not to snort as she scowled at Tony.

“Adopted. You got a problem with that?” 

Tony shook his head fiercely and the other Avengers just looked baffled. Peter couldn’t blame them. 

“Okay Spider-man,” MJ said through her teeth still keeping up the offended mood. “Let’s get you out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I should really study for the 3 tests I have tomorrow but heh...nah. I prefer to master the art of procrastination. In Ireland it’s a big exam year for my year and my friends are so organized and I’m like ???? One of them has a folder with built in markers and colour coding and I was just proud of myself for actually getting a folder this year that I stuff every subject into. I should definitely work on that.. oh well. I don’t know why I started talking about markers but I’m going to leave it in there because... effort. Also sorry this one took a while! Hope you like it :)


	7. Avengers meet and greet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same thing + Ned and MJ

“Okay Spider-man, lets get you out of here.”

Peter and Ned were looking at each other for too long to be considered normal. MJ sighed and ran a hand down her face. They were having a non verbal conversation... again. Somehow while Peter was wearing a mask. Peter was tilting his head more than he usually would in these conversations to get over the mask problem.

 

Peter thought about it, he really did. The Avengers were really cool. And clearly they didn’t want him to leave. Not for personal reasons or anything but still. They wanted him to stay. And Shuri and Wanda were the rare few who got his references in this business.

Of course there was still May. Yeah okay, he decided to go home. He missed her and he was worried for how she was coping. If the roles were reversed and Ned had given him some obviously fake reason for why May was missing, he wouldn’t know what he’d do.

All good things must come to an end, eh?

Unfortunately, Tony wasn’t on board with his plan. Or the other Avengers for that matter. Woah, the Avengers wanted him to stay. That was so cool.

“Hello?” Tony interrupted, “I don’t care who you are, we are doing a very important interrogation here.”

MJ decided to join the mute conversation. Peter was frantically shaking head at Ned which meant he was worried about something -it also caused Clint to whisper to Natasha “does being insane run in the family?” Peter was probably worried about May, MJ concluded. Ned was still stuck in awestruck face but was nodding understandingly. MJ had a solution to Ned’s wanting to stay with the Avengers and Peter’s desire to see his aunt.

MJ shrugged her shoulders at Tony, “Yeah, I guess we could hang out for a bit.”

“Nuh-uh” Tony shook his finger at her, “you’re going to leave with your brother so that we can talk to your older brother privately.”

But MJ was already seated next to Natasha and they were getting on too well for Tony’s liking.

Ned and Peter immediately looked up from their conversation when MJ had spoken.

“Well the only other option, Stark, is that we leave with our older bro.” MJ responded bitterly.

Tony let out a little chuckle at the ridiculousness. “And how do you suppose you do that?”

MJ sighed again. People were exhausting. She looked over at Peter, who was clearly trying carefully to move gently in his restraints, and moved her gaze back to Tony.

“He can easily break out of those cuffs.”

“MJ” Peter whined and threw his cuffed hands in the air. “You’re embarrassing me in front of the Avengers.”

Steve let out a sort of chuckle, “I think you may be overestimating your brother, even I can’t break out of those.”

Peter gave MJ a head tilt meaning ‘see!” But she wasn’t buying it. One brow raise was enough to make him groan. 

“I didn’t need to break out of them yet.” He made his excuse. He wasn’t proud of it but he was tired so he was going to cut himself some slack.

“What, so you miss a full week of work?” MJ said with such conviction that Peter believed for a second that he actually did have a job and that he was going to be fired. 

Remembering that she was referring to school and not his fictional job, he replied “But MJ they’re The Avengers! I’m not going to not take the opportunity to meet them!” He pointed a finger at one man and hissed loudly enough for everyone to hear anyway, “Look! There’s Dr Bruce Banner!”

“So I’m the one embarrassing you, Spidey?” She asked amused by the boy’s antics.

Peter didn’t seem to be half as embarrassed as he should be. “And there’s the Scarlet Witch and the princess of Wakanda!” He practically squeaked. He reached forward and grabbed her shoulder and shook her slightly in excitement. “And they watch vines!”

MJ smirked at him and Ned just gasped. “Oh my god the amount of times you’ve given out about bad guys not getting your references!” He was as uncontrollably excited as Peter.

“Exactly!” Peter turned to Ned. “How could I possibly leave this place?”

 

———————————————————

 

“Wait” Tony butted into the weirdness of the conversation once again, “This is not some sort of hang out spot. We choose when you leave, Spidey.”

But the vigilante was already talking at intense speeds about the Avengers to his brother who was doing the same. No one in the room bar themselves and MJ could understand what they were saying.

Before Tony’s eyes, everyone had decided to go along with MJ’s plan. Bruce, Shuri, Spiderman and Ned? Was it? Were all blabbering about science enthusiastically. MJ and Natasha were sharing their own badass stories and tips to trick people. Wanda, Steve and Clint were joking about something or other, Tony didn’t care too much. He was just baffled at how uninterested they all were in interrogating Spidey.

Tony had to turn away for a second and just run his hands through his hair. When he turned back around, it was worse. Everyone was gathered around Spiderman as he recounted a story of his crime fighting times.

“And he kidnapped me for like 3 whole minutes! He was definitely not my best kidnapper. I gave his kidnapping attempt 2 stars-“

Tony just stood baffled as the Avengers seemed to drink in every word. He cut in “Wait how many times have you been kidnapped?”

Spiderman tilted his head and counted on his fingers until he found his answer and simply said “Too many.” He quickly added “But you guys are like the best so far!”

Tony and the Avengers (and shuri) stood in shock before him. They had no idea that this guy had been kidnapped so often. He guessed not having a team by his side lead to that.

Natasha looked on the verge of laughter which hardly ever happened. “How many stars do we get, Spidey?”

“In terms of actual kidnapping skill, I’d say a solid 7/10. The cuffs are kinda weak and the location was obvious for my siblings to find me.” Natasha nodded and Spiderman quickly added “But you guys are by far the best kidnappers! You know vines, you don’t tell me to shut up every second and you haven’t tortured me..... yet” he scratched the back of his neck before quickly getting back on topic, “And you’re THE AVENGERS AND THE PRINCESS OF WAKANDA!!!” He cleared his throat and added more calmly, “So I’d give you an overall score of 9/10.”

The team seemed happy by their score. Tony shook his head, this was insane.

——————————————————-

 

A few more minutes of Peter, Shuri, Wanda, Ned and MJ explaining vines to Steve later, and MJ clapped her hands together. “Well this has been fun. Thank you for having us, it was nice talking to all of you.”

Tony, who had found himself sucked into the vine discussion, realized that they still had an interrogation to do. 

Huh, he found himself enjoying the company of the teens and Spiderman. He snapped himself out of it. “For the last time, this is an interrogation! Not some Avengers meet and greet so if you don’t mind-“ He was cut off by his phone ringing. All eyes turned to him. He was about to ignore it before he saw who was calling. He took in a frustrated breath as he answered the call. They were in for it now.

“Nice to see you too, Fury.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The support is amazing! Thanks! Also pls be careful of choking it appears to be becoming a hazard while reading this. Never drink and read. Or do idk


	8. I like that laugh huh huh huh huh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The usual.

“Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Yes. Yes we did. Yeah. Yes. Oh my god, yes!” It was almost impressive to hear how exasperated Tony sounded.

It kind of reminded Ned of conversations with his mom. He tried and failed to stifle a giggle but to his relief Peter was giggling too. Peter looked over at him and suddenly they were hunched over laughing.

MJ let out an amused sound that Ned could almost call a laugh. She tried to smuggle it with a cough and remain neutral but it was when she looked at him and Peter that she broke.

She hung her head to hide the fit of giggles. Unfortunately, everyone could see her frame shaking uncontrollably.

The team looked at the three smiling. Tony getting mothered must have been funny to see. They had seen Fury, Rhodey and Pepper mother him too much to let it affect them. Well, no. Fury was more of a naggy great aunt.

Tony shot the three a glare which made them crack up even more. Ned was wheezing and Peter tried to wipe tears from under his eyes but he ended up just rubbing his lenses which just increased the volume of laughter in the room. MJ buried her face beneath her curls to hide her chuckling.

“Yeah that would be the Spidey siblings being the most irritating half humans ever. Well no- I don’t know if they’re spider-like too or not. Yeah his name is uhh.”

“Parker,” Peter whisper shouted between giggles before realizing that it would be better for the people who kidnapped him to forget his actual name. Seeing him freeze, MJ wheezed “you’re ... such .... an ...... idiot.”

It wasn’t even the thing about Tony that was funny anymore. They simply couldn’t stop.

Ned hunched over repeating the words “it hurts” over and over. 

“We need a .... moment” MJ managed to say while getting Spidey out of the seat and escorting him and Ned out of the room. “Back in a sec.” she promised and then promptly closed the door.

The team looked at each other and shrugged. Tony was too busy being lectured by Fury to notice anyway. 

 

———————————————————

 

After shutting the door, MJ finally composed herself. “What was even so funny?”

The boys shrugged unable to speak. 

“Ok well now that we’re finally out of there, do you want to call May?”

Peter nodded vigorously and took the phone into his cuffed hands eagerly. It was only when he heard the phone ringing that he realized what he was doing. “Ned what did you tell her?” He hissed.

Ned was about to tell Peter but suddenly the phone stopped dialing and the woman herself started speaking.

“Who is this?” She sounded tired. Peter was in shock. He froze for another 10 seconds before finding his voice. He coughed “this is uh your nephew.”

“Peter?! Oh thank god you’re ok! Ned told me you joined a band and had gigs that you never told me about? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Peter shot Ned a glare. Ned shrugged not looking nearly apologetic enough for Peter’s liking.

“Yeah haha I guess they needed a trumpet guy again. We are uh having a concert on next week for the school so I thought I’d surprise you. I really didn’t think I’d be going on a tour bus until I got there and there was a no phone rule.” 

MJ gave him an unimpressed look and mouthed “tour bus?” Which Peter promptly ignored.

“I’m sorry for worrying you, May. I’ll be home soon!”

“Soon?”

“Sometime tomorrow.” Peter confirmed hoping it was true.

A very annoyed Tony Stark burst through the door and Peter took this as his cue to end the call. “Bye love you!” He called and hung up abruptly.

They filed back into the room.

 

———————————————————

 

Wanda and Shuri smiled at the trio along with the rest of the group as they came in. 

Tony ran a hand down his face and turned to face them. 

“See!” Steve pointed at them. “They’re back!”

“Yeah well considering how they could get in so easily I presumed they could leave. I guess not.” Tony looked smug but tired. Tiredly smug. 

“Who said anything about us leaving?” MJ asked innocently as she slumped in her seat next to Shuri and placed her feet on the table.

“The Director of SHIELD himself. He doesn’t want to have kidnapped kids on our hands so you two just go run back to your mommy while we talk to your brother ok?”

The team knew that that wasn’t going to work. The spider siblings were very strong and very good at distracting people from a task.

Shuri turned to Peter and simply asked “what’s your name?” She knew it wouldn’t work but she was getting a bit bored of this and she just wanted to know who was behind the mask.

“Hi my name is Michael with a ‘b’. And I’ve been afraid of insects my entire life.”

She smirked. Of course she wasn’t going to get an answer but she couldn’t help herself but join in. It took a lot of her will power to not look up at Tony’s face when he said his name was Michael.

“Stop, stop, stop, where?”

“Hmm?”

“Where’s the b?”

“T-there’s a bee?” He asked his voice shaking before the teens started giggling once more.

“I understood that reference,” Steve stated. Shuri and Wanda looked up at him proudly. Wanda sounded in awe “You watched vines?”

Steve confirmed that yes he did watch vines that night to help with the interrogation. Wanda and Shuri were practically beaming.

Tony looked in desperation to Natasha and Clint. They however looked amused by the scene. He looked to Bruce and Thor who were looking at the teens fondly. Nobody cared about this interrogation. Ugh.

Tony marched over to the vigilante. “Please can you take off the mask?”

The man in question turned to MJ and Ned. Ned shrugged “They’re probably going to keep bothering you about it if we leave now.”

Bothering? Why did they not take this interrogation seriously? Still, it seemed to help the man. He sighed and nodded.

He reached his hands up to his mask and pulled it off. The Avengers heads snapped up as they caught a glimpse of the brown curls covering his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all incredible. Amazing. More positive adjectives. Thank you! Also any suggestions would be really cool.


	9. Hello Sarah. Hi Tiffany. Those shoes look familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anticlimactic reveal we have all been waiting for. I’m sorry

Peter always wanted a Tony Stark “I am Iron man” kind of reveal. He also did not want one at all ever. 

He realized that if Ned, MJ and him just left now, which he had no doubt they could, the Avengers would just bother him or try to kidnap him again whenever he went patrolling.

He also realized that that would be incredibly inconvenient and so he came to a conclusion. If he was going to have to do a reveal, it was going to be obnoxiously extra.

He snatched his mask off, threw it on the floor and shook his curls dramatically. He beamed up at the undoubtably shocked faces on the Avengers. Ned clapped and whistled at him. MJ rolled her eyes but, of course, showed her support in clapping as well.

“Dear god you’re worse than Tony” Shuri announced lightheartedly.

The Avengers seemed to be in a trance. They stared at the young boy for an uncomfortably long time, gaping and gasping. The only ones not in that trance were Natasha, Thor, Shuri and Wanda. Wanda reluctantly slipped $20 into Shuri’s hand.

“Nope” Tony decided, clapping his hands together, and noped his way out of the room. He was shortly followed my the suddenly mute team leaving Natasha, Thor, Shuri and Wanda with the spider team.

———————————————————

 

“This cannot be happening. We did not just kidnap a fetus.”

“No we didn’t, Tony. He’s got to be at least 18. Right?” Clint asked more to himself than anyone else.

“What do you mean we didn’t, Barton? He’s fresh out of the womb. Oh no. The womb belonging to an angry mother. Oh and there’s a father. Oh no.”

“You think his parents don’t know anything?” Clint asked incredulously. As a parent he really couldn’t see his kids hiding as big of a secret from him for so long.

“Well would you let your kids run into burning buildings and get kidnapped too many times to count?” Tony’s mind was racing with thoughts, none of which being useful. Steve was muttering something about no doubt filled with guilt. Bruce was looking a bit too uncomfortably green for anyone’s liking.

Finally a useful thought came to Tony which hit him like a train. Who they left unsupervised in the room together. “Shit.”

 

 

As predicted, there was chaos in the room when they entered. The spider boy had his eyes closed, swinging Thor’s hammer in his very not cuffed hands. Huh, so he could’ve broken out of them the whole time, Tony thought to himself.

Shuri was throwing teammates’ shoes for him to hit baseball style. Somehow without looking the boy knew where they were and hit them back. This amazed everyone in the room who wasn’t a Spidey sibling.

MJ and Natasha sat whispering about something together which worried Tony immensely. He knew if those two ever teamed up with Pepper, he’d have to flee the country.

Then there was Thor who was now throwing the chair that the spider boy had sat on along with Shuri. 

Ned was pointing out something on his phone to Wanda and said “That’s me and him dressed as Luke and Darth Vader for Halloween a few years ago.” He then swiped on his phone and showed the next picture with a few “awwws” and laughs coming from Wanda. Wanda then pulled out her phone for him. “That’s me and my brother from ages ago.” Ned laughed and said something but Tony stopped caring.

He cleared his throat and finally they were noticed. The chair was dropped out of Thor’s hand immediately and he tried to play it off as if it was never there. Shuri yelped and threw a shoe at where she thought the noise was coming from. Which just so happened to be Tony’s face.

Tony decided that he hated Fury.

 

 

Once the room was put back in order, Tony sat across from the boy once more.

“Where are your parents?” He began with.

Peter hesitated, no doubt setting up to say the worst lie in the histories of lies. MJ decided to help the poor guy out. “Oh them, they’re-“

MJ whispered her plan into his ear, cutting him off. Her plan that she had learnt from the master of playing with emotions, Ms Natasha Romanoff herself. Natasha nodded at her and showed a resemblance of pride on her face. 

The plan she had told Peter was to make the Avengers feel as guilty as possible. That way when her, Ned and Peter escaped, (escape is a bit much they could probably just walk out) then the Avengers wouldn’t hunt Peter down every time he went patrolling. Him being a kid was already a bonus. Tragic backstory? Even better.

The only problem was, Peter Parker was the worst at feelings. Feeling sad? He always blocked it out. Feeling stabbed? Didn’t bother telling her or Ned. It was almost as if he didn’t know how they really work. So him trying to make a room full of superheroes feel guilty was never going to work that well.

“I have so little parents right now” Peter said.

MJ sighed dramatically and dropped her head into her hands. Peter somehow managed to take that as his cue to continue.

“Like the littlest amount of parents you’ve ever heard of before, Mr Stark. In fact I would go as far as saying I have so little parents that I don’t even have ANY, sir.”

Despite Peter’s disgustingly bad effort, it seemed to work. The Avengers shifted uncomfortably and didn’t meet the boy’s eyes. “You’re an orphan?” Tony asked. With a nod of the vigilante’s head, to everyone’s surprise he groaned. Most people would say “I’m sorry for your loss” or just look sad. For Tony, this seemed really inconvenient.

“Of course you are. Great. Why couldn’t you be, I don’t know, not an orphan?”

“I’ll work on it, sir.” Peter couldn’t help but feel a tinge of annoyance. May was the closest thing to a mother he had and she was damn awesome.

“I’m sorry for your loss and for Tony’s behavior.” Steve said still looking way too guilty for Peter’s liking.

Peter shrugged, it was THE Tony Stark after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ends awkwardly I’m sorry. Also for our exam year we have to write a diary entry for Romeo and Juliet which is as cringy as it sounds. We have to write it from either Juliet’s or Romeo’s perspective of them meeting and how they feel and I have to keep taking a break and just taking some deep breaths. For example we have to write about how they kiss and how that makes them feel??? Excuse me? I don’t want my teacher knowing how I feel about that thank you very much. I prefer writing about murder mysteries for sure. Or spider man fanfiction but I don’t think they’d appreciate that in my exam for some reason. 
> 
> Anywaysss pls give me some suggestions I’m desperate! Byeeee


	10. Spooky Scary Skeletons (but the remix of course)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boo
> 
>  
> 
> Spooked ya

Peter stuck his hand up in the air like he would in class. Tony rolled his eyes before allowing him to speak. “Can I go to the bathroom?” Peter asked. He forgot that he had needed to go for quite a while now.  
Some things were just more exciting.

Tony simply nodded and showed him the way. Not before they passed a lab of some sort. Some lab for workers on the lower levels, Tony didn’t really think much of it. The boy in the red costume however, ran up to they window and pressed his face against it, gasping.

It amused Tony to no end. “They’re nothing compared to my one. Want to head up there, Spidey?” The boy nodded his head so quickly that Tony was worried it would fall off. The boy raced off to the elevator.

“Didn’t you need to use the bathroom?”

The boy raced back to him and without a word, was led off to the bathroom. Then he raced over to the elevator.

 

———————————————————

 

 

“маленький паук has been gone for a long time.” Natasha noted rather ominously during their game of cards.

Card games, as they discovered, were not the best game to play with each other. MJ and Natasha’s poker faces made poker a no-go and Wanda could read everyone’s mind, cheating at any card game. The others were honestly quite glad to have a break.

Seeing the Spidey team’s bewildered faces, Shuri clarified that Natasha meant their Spider Sibling. MJ laughed “oh he’s not actually our sibling.” She scoffed “We don’t even look alike.”

Steve spluttered “B-but you were so upset earlier when we said-“

MJ dismissed him with her hand “Hey hey it’s ok you’re forgiven. It’s in the past.”

Steve spluttered some more. Ned gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. 

“Ok but seriously where is that child and Tony?” Shuri asked after getting distracted for a few more minutes.

Bruce nominated himself to go and find them mostly because he sucked at card games with normal people let alone spies and witches.

 

 

 

 

After a solid 30 minutes of vine compilations, Thor looked up from the phone suddenly. “Banner hasn’t returned.”

Wanda looked up and smirked. “This is such a horror movie cliché.”

“Hey why don’t we split up?” Shuri joked. 

Steve looked up and pondered the thought. Shuri looked at him incredulously. “Did they seriously not have Scooby-Doo in the 40s? They make it very clear that under no circumstances do we EVER split up.” She crossed her arms and huffed. “Scooby and Shaggy ALWAYS end up getting chased.”

“Right?” Ned continued for her,shaking his head, “the things they’d do for a Scooby Snack.”

Ned pulled himself up from the ground and went to the door. “Hey, where are you going?” MJ asked squinting her eyes. Ned had one of his feet already out of the room before answering. “I’m finding our bro.” Lie exposed or not Peter was their bro.

“You must not have heard brother of Spiders, but it may be dangerous for you to leave.” Thor pointed out clearly dismayed seeing Ned continue to edge his way out of the room.

“Oh sorry!” Ned exclaimed. “I want my Spidey merch to go to Spidey. I want MJ to have my voice modifier I’ve been working on and you guys can have my money,” he closed the door before anyone could get another word in.

The team looked dismayed. “Guys I don’t want to be the one to break it to you all but he doesn’t have any money.” MJ scoffed. Seeing MJ’s extreme lack of worry eased them and they settled back up to read some Avengers fanfiction. MJ laughed at their shocked faces as they read each of them.

 

 

After several minutes of cringing, MJ choked, “No. Tony Stark/Spider-man. We’re going to stop now. God, that’s illegal.”

Clint threw threw his hands over his face and groaned. MJ raised a brow, “What, you ship it?” Clint refused adamantly and explained. “I was really hoping that he was a very young looking 18 year old.”

MJ smiled to herself. Peter would love to hear that. Too many times, her, Ned and May slagged him for how young he looked, much to his despair. 

“Whatever, where is everyone?” Wanda asked briskly changing the conversation.

Everyone looked at each other intensely. Then towards the door, and then back to each other. “Shit” Steve whispered causing Clint and Natasha to gasp, point at him and at the same time, exclaimed “Language!” It was some sort of routine, MJ wasn’t sure but it was impressively choreographed. Steve just groaned and moped over to the door muttering something about wanting to go missing too.

The team reluctantly stood and followed him. They couldn’t have Steve wandering around looking to be taken. Bucky would kill them from wherever he was.

The suspense was killing them. FRIDAY told them that all of the missing people were on floor 98. Tony’s floor. As in the floor where only Tony, Rhodey and Pepper could go. Something was up.

Once the elevator reached the floor, Steve pushed himself out in front and crept slowly forward to the voices sounding in the room. He expected screams and shouts. What he wasn’t was science blabbering and giggling.

The scene before him made him gasp. His brows creased in confusion at the domestic scene. Tony Stark was ruffling Spidey kid’s hair before returning to his project. The project which a certain Spidey kid was working on him with. Tony Stark doesn’t allow people to touch his inventions. Ever.

Bruce and Ned were working on something and judging by the latter’s head bouncing, he was chatting. Bruce laughed and shook his head before returning to the invention.

Steve realized that the team were looking at his reactions with worried and scared faces. He shook his head and smiled. The confused team followed him to watch the scene.

The spider boy somehow heard the non existent noise of them creeping over and turned his head so quickly that the team were worried that his head would fall off.

Everyone stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time before Natasha nodded towards the spider-boy. “You hungry, маленький паук?”

After minutes of discussions and well argued debates, they finally decided on pizza. They sat down in some sort of cinema room that Peter couldn’t begin to describe. As Star Wars started playing he, Ned and MJ bunched together as they usually did when they watched marathons together. 

Natasha noticing the Spider-boy shivering slightly, she instinctively reached her hand forward and wrapped it around the boy’s shoulders. He smiled and snuggled into her shoulder. She smiled fondly. Whatever the conversation they had the night before was, brought motherly instincts to her which she didn’t think she could’ve possibly had.

As the movie finished, the teens had fallen asleep on each other. MJ’s usually tough façade faded slightly while she was asleep but still managed to look intimidating while resting on Spidey’s chest. Shuri and Wanda had bunches up on Ned’s left and had fallen asleep on his shoulder as well.

The rest of the men bar Tony were no longer awake either. Natasha and Tony nodded towards each other and headed off to their rooms leaving the almost obnoxiously domestic scene.

——————————————————-

 

Tony smiled fondly at the work before him. The Spider-kid was insanely smart. Tony couldn’t help but take a liking to his constant meaningless chat. God he sounded so sappy. He was snapped out of his daze by an automated voice. 

“Sir Nick Fury is calling.”

Tony sighed. What was he going to tell him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As spooky as we’re gonna get this Halloween. Probably. Maybe. Let me know I have no idea what ye guys want. Oops
> 
>  
> 
> Also I’m sorry I don’t know what happened. It got insanely fluffy and very quickly. I’ll tone it down. Or not? idk I’m awful.
> 
> Also as usual u guys are amazing. Incredible. Stunning. Thank you


	11. Sure, you may be verified on Twitter. But are you verified in the eyes of God??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY IM A FLOP. It says September earlier but does anything in this fic make sense?
> 
> Stuff happens.

Tony hung up on Fury just as the alarm sounded. God, that was so unnecessary. Fury had just told him that there was a mission. He didn’t need to tell all of New York.

He groaned and headed down and met Natasha in the kitchen.

 

———————————————————

 

The team woke up to alarms blaring and flashing red lights. Peter was definitely no expert on alarm clocks but he figured that this was not one of them.

Clint, Steve, Banner, Shuri And Wanda’s concerned faces only confirmed his theory.

In unison, they got to their feet and practically fled out the door leaving Ned, Peter and MJ to try and wake up. Much to the other two’s dismay, Ned groggily got up and stumbled out of the room. Great, now there was more pressure for them to get up.

MJ and Peter looked at each other as if daring the other to move first. Both of them, being the stubborn little shits they were, remained glaring at each other for 5 excruciatingly long minutes before Peter broke and slowly got to his feet.

Using the wall to brace himself, he ungraciously followed MJ who had gotten up annoyingly quickly after him. His mop of hair had a mind of its own.

The others were being informed by Tony about some sort of mission, which was incredibly cool. 

Of course, Peter insisted on going but with Nick Fury thinking he was in an interrogation room, it wasn’t their best plan. So they did the worst thing they could possibly have done. They left Shuri, MJ, Ned and Peter alone together. Yeah. Good plan.

Sure, it started off somewhat sane. As soon as they left, Shuri and Peter (after finally had a shower and changing clothes) sprinted upstairs to modify his web shooters.

Naturally the next thing for Ned and MJ to do was to crawl through the vents above the lab. Ned filmed the oblivious two and whispered “So, is it any wonder people are afraid of technology?” Then MJ jumped down and landed screaming “TECHNOLOGY.” Peter didn’t look at either of them for a solid 2 minutes. Things went downhill when they decided to celebrate an early Halloween.

It was completely Ned’s fault, Peter decided. 

 

 

“Lets go trick or treating, he said. It will be fun, he said,” Peter grumbled to himself while placing his hand on a new stab wound. 

They had gone trick or treating in the middle of the day. On the 27th of October. What could go wrong? A whole lot, it turned out.

After getting told, and fairly so, by everyone that a) it wasn’t Halloween yet b)They were too old and c) MJ’s costume was too scary, they decided to call it a day.

Peter’s metabolism finally kicked in and told him he needed a churro. He wasn’t going to argue with it. Telling the others that he was going to get them churros, his stomach led him to the stand.

It didn’t go as planned.

 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Peter groaned. Why did people always call when he was stabbed. It was really annoying.

His annoyance drained when he heard a certain Stark’s voice out through the speakers. “Parker,” he growled, “care to tell me why you aren’t being held captive right now?”

Peter’s confusion distracted him from hiding his pain. He let out a gasp when he looked at the stubborn blood oozing down his leg. Stupid mugger. He hated muggers. He thought of protesting like MJ. He could make a poster. ‘Stop mugging start hugging.’ Peter nodded to himself at that. Maybe Deadpool would join him.

“-ello? You there, Spidey?” Oh yeah, one of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes was talking to him.

“Mm,” he replied intelligently.

“You okay?” Tony asked with concern. Wow that was so cool. “Are you alright? Where are you? Fury is on my ass. What’s going on?”

“The usual,” Peter shrugged knowing full well that Tony couldn’t see it.

“The usual? So you’re good?”

Eh, he wasn’t dead. “Uh huh,” he grimaced as he said it but managed to keep his voice even. 

“Ok, well get back here. Blackbeard is coming.”

Peter groaned and hobbled over to the tower wondering where the other three went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual you guys are so unbelievably nice?? Like I’m starting to doubt that you’re real and my mom somehow found out about this fic and set up accounts.
> 
> Also sorry that this isn’t the best and that I took a while ahh sorry!!! I hit a massive writers block and I’m still stuck on it. Any suggestions are extremely appreciated and I’m really sorry if I don’t use it.
> 
> It’s midterm now so I’ll have loads of time so I should be quicker. That’s all...okay bye!


	12. This one doesn’t even deserve a title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The same thing really.
> 
> Also maybe people are ooc? I’m sorry. I hope not. Ahh

Peter was giggling while he stumbled into the tower in his suit. The receptionist looked like she didn’t know what to do with a giggling, bleeding Spider-Man. 

He was swaying on his feet. He decided to turn his sudden loss of balance into a dance move. He twirled and hit his back against the desk and grabbed his stabbed leg in agony. Still giggling.

“I’m here to see the Avengers- no no-I’m here because I’m an Avenger? I’m here to be a bad guy. Wait a-wait a second,” He bursted out laughing. “Spider-Man isn’t a bad guy. He’s a,” he tried to explain, giggling. “He’s a umm,” Peter faltered. “Bad guy.”

Peter finished his speech and waited to be let up. The receptionist seemed to not want to have anything to do with that and let him up.

 

 

 

“What the hell, kid?” Clint asked, clearly thinking what everyone else was as he ungracefully tripped out of the elevator.

Peter just stared at him like he had two heads. Clint pointed to the very noticeable blood flowing down his leg. “Ohh that,” he giggled, “it’s my period,” Peter said. He proceeded to nod to himself as if congratulating himself on the lie.

“You’re period?” MJ deadpanned, beyond unimpressed.

“Uhhh yeah, MJ,” Peter replied as if it were the most obvious explanation, “you haven’t gotten that talk yet?”

He took MJ’s cold glare as confusion and he dopily pointed at Steve. “Cap, take it away.” Steve went as red as the blood seeping out of Peter’s leg. 

Bruce leapt up from his chair, pulled bandages, which he apparently kept in his pockets at all times, and attacked Peter with them. 

 

 

“Ok what the hell happened while we were gone?” Tony asked incredulously. MJ, Ned and Shuri looked at each other and then back at him. They looked just as confused as he looked. Everyone turned to Peter as if he was any less confused.

“The churros,” Peter growled from under his mask. “The churros they- they came and uhh knife.”

Deciding that that answer explained everything they pretended to ignore it. Everything these kids did was confusing.

Just as they were about to sit back and relax, the elevator chimed and out stepped Nick Fury.

 

 

MJ and Ned fled the room tripping over each other. They scrambled out passed Fury into the elevator and while waving their goodbyes, the doors closed.

If Fury was surprised, he didn’t show it. He merely looked confused. Tony chuckled quietly to himself. That seemed to be the constant mood around the spider kids..

“Rogers,” he started, “why is Spider-Man not in the interrogation room?”

“Sir,” Steve said in his measured Captain America voice, “he was bleeding so we had to get him medical help.”

“And instead of the medical room, you brought him to the kitchen?” Fury asked incredulously. Peter nodded enthusiastically. Too enthusiastically. Blood loss was one hell of a drug.

“Why is this man bleeding anyway?” He asked. “How does someone manage to injure themselves in a cell handcuffed?”

Clint answered for the group out of the very little information they had, “churros.”  
Fury rubbed his forehead feeling a migraine coming on. 

 

 

 

Peter was put back in the interrogation room after being treated for his wound which was already mostly healed. He was no longer dopey. He was glad that he had his mask on, as sweaty as it was. He didn’t trust SHIELD at all never mind Mr SHIELD himself.

Fury sat down opposite him like the others had done when they wanted information. This time, however, everyone was in the room. They had refused to leave him. Peter beamed under the mask. 

“What’s your name,” Fury started with. “Parker,” Tony answered for him curtly.  
Fury sighed, annoyed at Tony’s antics. “Age and Date of birth?”

Peter hesitated. The team looked at him in a mix of curiosity and concern. “18, August 27th 2000.”

Yeah he knew he couldn’t get away with any older. And the maths for the year was simpler that way.

“Jesus, kid,” Fury ribbed his hand over his face. “You’re too young to be doing this.” Peter groaned internally. He had gotten enough of those talks before. Most of them being from Daredevil. He was glad that Fury didn’t know that he was any younger. He’d probably flip.

“Is that all, sir?” Natasha asked a little forcefully. She stepped forward and opened the door almost forcing the man out of the room. She led him out of the room despite him saying he wasn’t finished.

“I don’t know a damn thing about that man,” he said as she gently nudged him into the elevator. “Good,” she decided and the doors closed. They all stared at her. She just did that. To her boss. Wow.

She shrugged, “He’ll forgive me. And I kinda like the little spider.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor is really hard to write I’m sorry. I’ll try to include him more.
> 
> Also people are probably ooc. Again I’m sorry.
> 
> Chapter length consistency is overrated if you ask me *nervous laugh*
> 
> Thank you guys for the suggestions. They really helped me thank you soooooo much ahh. You’re amazing as usual. I hope you have a spooky Halloween.  
> Byeeeeee


	13. Bit of an angst fest/ last chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks so much for reading u guys are amazing and incredible and so many more positive adjectives I can’t think of at the moment. I’m so sorry that I’m so late with this chapter. But hey it’s the last one so no need to endure this torture anymore!

After Natasha practically kicked Fury out, Peter became less of a prisoner and more of a guest. He took his mask off and sat down on the couch. The team began to guess Peter’s actual name which took a surprisingly long time.

“Joseph,” Shuri guessed getting increasingly frustrated.

“Nope,” Peter replied smiling proudly as if having an unguessable name was something to be proud of.

“Jeremy.”

“Nuh uh.”

“JJ?” Shuri asked more than guessed.  
Once again Peter shook his head.

“Jessica?” She asked desperately. Steve looked up at her in confusion. “What? He kinda looks like one.” She threw her hands up and groaned.

Of course the others all joined in too. Wanda was clearly trying extremely hard not to read Peter’s mind and just find out. The guessing went on for another few minutes and Peter admitted that he found himself enjoying it. It was also a massive relief that they weren’t anywhere near it.

That was until Tony came into the room. He waltzed into the room as you do when you’re The Tony Stark. He sat down and simply said, “Peter?”

Peter’s head whipped upwards too quickly to deny it. The others surprisingly weren’t happy to find out Spider-man’s name. “Boo,” Clint heckled at him. “That was my next guess.”

“Yeah well it wasn’t exactly a guess per say,” he admitted sheepishly holding up his phone showing the scan that Friday had conducted.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t try to guess this Man of Peters’ middle name.”

Tony announced that he already had that much to the relief of the team. 

 

 

 

Later the team had agreed that he did in fact look like a Peter. All but Shuri who was too stubborn to admit that he looked more like a Peter than a Jessica.

Tony’s scan didn’t fall short on details about Peter much to his dismay. School pictures and newspaper articles entertained the team immensely.

“Hey Bruce,” Natasha called at one point as she was searching through photos. “The spider-kid kind of looks like you in this one,” she showed him a picture in an article. Peter remembered that day clearly. He had just won the science fair. Ben and May had brought him out for ice cream in Mr Delmars. It was the happiest time he’d had since his parents passed.

Damn, he wanted nothing less than to cry in front of Earths Mightiest Heroes. He quickly headed for the bathroom. The team were too absorbed in laughing at the funny photos to notice anyway.

 

 

Tony fished through earlier files in the scan in hopes for another funny photo of Parker. The team were starting to piece together Spider-man’s life and boy was it not what he was expecting. Opening a new file he found a rosy cheeked toddler glowing with joy, standing beside what could only be his parents in a lab. He frowned when he remembered hearing the Spider-kid mention that he hadn’t any parents.

What really upset him however, was when he read the file and realized that his parents worked in Oscorp. Disgusted, he shouted out as if it pained him to see it. The team didn’t seem to bothered as they were used to his dramatic antics. He was about to accuse the Spider- Kid of the highest treason when he noticed that he wasn’t there.

Maybe the spider kid left, Tony supposed. Technically he didn’t have to stay as they had all the information they needed on him. Still, he thought that everyone was enjoying themselves. Before realizing that in fact they had kidnapped and interrogated him. He couldn’t possibly fathom befriending his kidnappers from Afghanistan. 

He sighed a little to himself as he looked over at the team smiling and laughing with each other. He felt a little empty at the lack of the Spider-kid. Back to two science bros he supposed. And Natasha had shown a strangely maternal side to her the team had never seen before with the kid.

Just as he was mourning the loss, the little brat came in. Albeit a little red almost as if he had been crying. Tony decided that it was possibly not the right time to accuse him of treason. For now at least.

 

 

The team never mentioned Peter’s upset appearance. Natasha gave him a knowing nod and Peter smiled back gently.

The team calmed down and began telling childhood stories about themselves. Tony and Natasha kept their heads down in the files to stay busy. 

That was until Natasha slowly opened a file. It was a newspaper article that Peter recognized straight away. He shook his head willing his eyes not to water again. Natasha looked up. She reached over to him and wrapped her arm around him. The team noticed the exchange and looked around curiously.

“Why did you become Spider-Man, Peter?” Steve asked gently.

Peter took in a shaky breath. He knew this question would come up eventually. “Uh my uh nope umm,” he struggled to find words. “My uh, my uncle Ben died and it was my fault and there’s no point in you trying to tell me otherwise but yeah. He was shot. I had powers. I didn’t use them so he ...” Peter’s voice trailed off.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” he finished. “Not like you lot need to be told though.”

The team smiled at his effort to brighten up the mood. “You didn’t shoot the gun, you didn’t kill him,” Steve told him. Peter knew that but never took it to heart. He had been told too many times.

“Welp,” Peter clapped his hands. “Lets move on now.”

“Did your parents not even consider Jessica?” Shuri asked smiling.

“I’m just going to be leaving now,” Peter announced. “This was fun. Kidnap me whenever you want. Just maybe let my aunt know next time.”

“Whenever you need us we’re here, Peter” Bruce told him kindly before Wanda and Shuri smushed them all into a group hug.

Peter smiled as he left the tower. He continued smiling on the bus ride home. He smiled as he came in the door of his house before hearing, “PARKER, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN.”

 

 

His phone chimed later that night. He looked down and saw that he had been added to the Avengers group chat. He couldn’t wait to tell Ned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so incredible and I couldn’t have written this without your amazingly supportive and helpful comments and suggestions. Thank you so much and have an amazing new year. This is our year. Yeah. Whoop. Go us.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mama spider and Mr America

THIS IS NOT PART OF THE STORY. I just wrote this and it didn’t make sense in the actual story but if u want to read it go right on man. This part is before he realised that the avengers were the bad dudes all along. Again thank you for everything and have a great new year :)))) 

When he finished giggling after the girls left, Peter finally took in the new information. The Avengers knew his name now, well surname, and were watching him through the wall to his left. Peter frowned beneath his mask. This was a very strange way of rescuing someone.

Clearly Avenger rescue missions went a lot differently than vigilante ones. If it were Wade or Matt here, then he would be long gone.

Thinking about it, they probably noticed his absence. He hoped that they weren’t worried or called someone like...

Oh shit

Oh no

May.

Peter didn’t care which bad guy he had to fight or if he had to face the entire Avenger team to get out of here. None of them came close to the wrath of May Parker. Peter shivered at the thought. So new plan, contact May.

‘Okay, okay new plan’ Peter thought hastily. The Avengers clearly didn’t trust him to rescue him yet so he’d just have to get out of here on his own. They were probably all laughing at him for not getting himself out of here sooner.

He presumed that the bad guy was already taken out by now because the Avengers were here. Still, if he was here, than he probably wouldn’t be willing to just let Peter leave. Even if a raging aunt was at home. He looked around in a panic and without thinking ahead, he blurted out “Bathroom!”

 

In came Captain freaking America again. “Don’t think about trying anything, son.” He warned.

Peter was confused now. Very confused. Now that he thought about it, the entire time he had been here, he had been confused. Now he wanted not to be confused. He needed answers and he was actually going to listen this time. Hopefully.

“Like what? Escape?” Peter asked feeling again, very confused.

Then the Captain did something Peter did not want to see. The Captain Of the Americans rolled his eyes at him. At Peter! Peter annoyed one of the most iconic men in the world. Nice one, Peter.

“Especially that.” He replied while untying Peter’s wrists from the unusually strong metal ropes. He held Peter’s hand behind his back and led him out of the room.

As they led out Peter looked around and if it were possible, Peter was even more confused. 

He wasn’t sure at first until a voice scared the ever living shit out of him.

“Hello Mr Spider-man.”

“Woah, you’re Tony Stark’s AI?! That is so cool.”

The Captain frowned. “How did you know what that was?”

Steve Rogers, the living legend, the war hero, the actual Avenger, asked him Peter Parker a question and the first thing he said was “The internet is a thing, you know that, right?”

The man turned to him looking very confused. ‘Hah! See? It’s not nice is it? Being confused’ Peter thought triumphantly. Until he realized who he just sassed.

“I-I mean Mr Captain America, sir, I’m just really unsure as t-to why I’m here right now?” Peter stuttered under the shadow of this miracle of a man just as they got to the bathroom.

“You and me both, son” he sighed before closing the door on Peter.

‘What?’ He doesn’t know what he’s doing here either? The Avengers don’t know what they’re doing? And they’re keeping him here without knowing what awaits for him at home. Wait they’re keeping him here? That’s gotta be illegal right? Actually being a vigilante is illegal, so he takes that thought back. He wonders how many police stations May has already called. He needs to call her right now.

He steps out of the bathroom and allowed his hands to be held in super soldier’s hands. Lucky for the spider, he was stronger than the soldier and he yanked himself from the Captain’s grip and g sprinted down the corridor hoping that wherever it lead, it was to a window.

Sure enough, as he turned a corner, he faced a large window. Remembering the Spanish test that was supposed to be on Thursday, he pulled the window open while listening to a Captain bounding over to him.

Peter threw himself out of the window right before the man’s arms could reach him. The last thing he saw before he dropped was a very concerned looking Captain.

He reached for his web shooters. He missed. He tried again, panicking. He looked down and noted that they were not there. Huh. He thought about it again and that’s when it actually sunk in that he was plummeting to the ground with no shooters.

Peter could just about hear himself hyperventilating over the sound of the wind whistling in his ears. He reached his arm out to the side of the building but his fingers couldn’t quite touch the glass.

The ground was directly ahead of him as he was hurtling toward it. Just as he was accepting his fate as a pancake on the sidewalk, he felt his fingers catch the glass. A sharp pain ripped through his arm as gripped the glass by his fingertips. he glided down and placed his feet on the ground. The beautiful wonderful thing known as the ground. He layed his back against the side of the skyscraper and sighed.

He would’ve stayed longer if not for the sharp pain that raced through his arm, the people staring at the ‘could’ve just died’ Spider-man and the very patriotic man racing out of the front door closely followed by his teammates.

Shit shit shit shit. Some more words that Steve Rogers would not approve of later, and he was in an front of a very familiar apartment without even noticing where his feet had taken him.

He snuck up the side of the building and into the open window at the 8th floor. He hoisted himself up through the window and layed on the floor.

“Hey Ned,” He panted “I’m in a bit of a situation.” 

—————————————————————————

“The Avengers are what?!”

“Yeah” the boy said pulling on a shirt that Ned had let him borrow.

“And you?”

The boy hummed in confirmation as he pulled the pants that were a few sizes too large over him.

“So now they?”

“Yep” Peter replied popping the ‘p’.

“I’m sorry dude but if they come over here I might just side with them.”

“Dude?!” Peter stared at him incredulously but he couldn’t hide the slight amusement in his voice.

“I seriously don’t want to get the Captain America disappointed look like he gives in the PSAs.”

“Oh damn, me neither. I guess I’ll just hand myself in then”

Ned snorted and relaxed from his very tense stance. “So this is why you weren’t in school this week” Ned muttered mostly to himself.

“This what?!” Peter asked shocked. It couldn’t have been a week. Nope. May wouldn’t have allowed that. Oh no.

He asked Ned for his phone and braces himself as the phone rang. “Hey May” was the only thing he got to say before he pulled the phone away from his ear as the shouting started.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my first ever post on here and I'm kind of scared rn. Sorry if there's any spelling mistakes or if there are any grammar errors. The story will get better I promise! My update will most likely be very soon as I've already started it! Thanks for reading!


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